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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

because it's there

I hate the word "blog" and always have, though I find myself using it more these days; I've mostly given in. I want people to read me and that's why I continue to post online (I most often use "post" or "write") but at the same time feel my stomach churn a little bit when someone at work mentions that s/he still reads me, has been reading me since I started writing back in 2001 (give or take a few "I'm done with this website" stops followed by "but I miss readers" restarts). I post because I write. I write because I'm a writer; that's what I'm good at. That's what I like to do. That's even what I get paid to do. I post for more than because I'm a writer; I post because I need an audience. From the super-8 home movies (I'm old enough that it was soundless super-8 back then) where I danced in oversize sunglasses, to my waving about from the sea of insecurity where I usually dwell, I like attention--I'm good at that, too. I post because it makes me feel like a writer, as opposed to when I hear someone who's published in a radio interview on the way to work. That makes me feel like a loser. That makes me start constructing patterns of how my novel or novella or hell just a damn short story would go, but all in my head, and then I get to work and proofread for four hours and edit some marketing copy and look at that, it's already lunchtime. When I get home at night I'm still a writer, but I am more a procrastinator--I really need to pay this bill, pick out this paint chip, walk the dog, wash the dishes, any one of a hundred thousand things that keep me from really fulfilling what I sometimes tell myself I need to fulfill.

I'm not sure if there's a "real" book in me, though I need to sit down at a desk long enough to find out. Maybe I just want to write a book for the same reason I want to write online--I want someone to give me feedback. I like feedback.

I write online because it's easy, because it's connected, because I meet new people, because I get validated. A little pathetic. I can admit that; I always pretty much did.

I write online throughout the day because it's there.


It sounds like we have a lot in common. I would venture than many of us are many of these things. That's why we do what we do.
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